19 September 2007

I don't belong in this horse race

While my head is full of things that are going to stay inside, I also have a lot of stuff I need to say...

I've started a new school, and it's a fantastic place. Everyone I've spoken to has been really friendly, and my subjects are mostly going to be alright, as long as I put in the extra work that truly is needed at this level of education. And I'm already beginning to feel at home there, so why do I still have an empty feeling in my gut during every bus journey over there?

The problem is my self-conciousness. I'm becoming increasingly aware of, and dismayed about, my own image, the way I appear to people. I wish I was charismatic, polite, and confident, but I really don't have anything to be confident about. Sure, I've made friends at this school, but that's because everybody is so damn nice to each other. I genuinely like all the people I've spoken to, I like them a lot. But what I really hate is me. I hate my nervous laugh. I hate the way I have to make boring small talk to fill in the gaps in conversations. I hate the way I simplistically start sentences the same way to illustrate a point. And I hate my stupid face.

But the thing is that I really have done well in my first week-and-a-bit at this school. I've not messed up majorly, and done something really idiotic, and this surprises me because I thoroughly expected to mess up. I guess I still think that I am about to really offend someone, probably through a total accident. It's inevitable with me. But as I said, I'm more concerned that I'm so awkward. I feel like a fifth wheel - I don't really contribute anything to any conversation. If I don't have an interest in the subject, I don't say anything. I don't even know if I should any more. And I still never expect people to take a liking to me in any way. So I'm very quiet, especially today, although this really depends on my mood. My thoughts have been self-depreciative to the point where I was close to tears a few times.

I'm still not fully sorted out. I wish I knew everyone here. I wish I was taller. I wish I had a sense of fashion. I wish I had confidence, and a quick mind that would enable me to be more witty. I wish I had a perfect speaking voice. I wish I had clear skin, and great hair, and bigger eyes... I don't know. Basically, I don't like who I am.

The ironic thing about this post is that I would never talk about this sort of thing in person. In reality, I come across really boring, but the thing is that I'm really shy. I like shy people. I like confident people as well, if their personality justifies their confidence. What I really like is when I get the opportunity to break away from the small talk and actually discuss stuff like this. And so far, I've not really. Or maybe I have, and I'm just too shy... Either way, this is why this post has ended up here, wallowing in its own helplessness. I've not gone emo, honest.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I know how you mean/meant. I'm terribly shy too... although I'd put it more as being introspective/introverted.

I like open, interesting people, people who are confident because I can open up to them; I can talk to them about all sorts. I like deep conversations, I try to avoid all the awkward small talk as much as possible.

At school I'm like a wallflower. I put myself down on my appearance and my self-consciousness aswell. That's why I can't wait to leave school and get out into the world... But I'm only 16, so I've still got a while yet :/

You seem like a lovely person, things will get better.