26 September 2007

Revelations; contradictions

I remember long ago, when I was very small, when I realised what it meant to die.

I must have been about nine years old at the time, and it was one of those long nights where I had nothing to think about, because I stayed awake, thinking about stuff. I ended up thinking about my pet fish, and how they'd all died, and been unceremoniously dumped in the bin. When they had died, they had stopped working, although sometimes we knew that it was going to happen soon. And all of the fish had died a long time ago, but all these things disjointedly floated into my consciousness as I lay in bed - and suddenly I realised that this was going to happen to me too. I was going to stop working like those helpless little fish. Everyone I knew, everyone who was going to be, everyone was going to come to a halt, and nobody had any way of stopping it. I cried all night. And as I cried I thought of how nothing could come after death, and made myself think that there must be something afterwards, because a life was too special to end.

I think I was less practical back then, because I have since determined that it's all predetermined by the way particles blast around the universe - all particles, even ones that seem controlled by organisms - those organisms themselves are controlled by the particles that they are composed of. Which is of course a much less-romanticised viewpoint. It bores me. And it seems fanciful when written down, contrasting to how much sense it ought to make. But it's mind-boggling. Do people refuse to believe that they are all just insignificant parts of this planet? - a planet that doesn't mean anything, it's all just matter. All the matter in the universe is all that matters in the universe. As I write this, I feel foolish, and make myself believe I'm wrong. I always seem to be wrong these days. Maybe nobody has the answer. I don't have mine. Maybe I'll be laying in bed one day, and it can strike me then, too.

I feel so depressed at the moment. I still feel like a nobody amongst somebodies. My personality is beige, and the polka dots are the parts I have to keep to myself. I don't really take myself seriously any more, and sometimes I think that I never will... I'm loveless. I always think I'm better alone, as I'm far less nervous, but at the same time I'm getting agitated about how I'm alone. Humans are drawn to each other, even if it's nothing to do with sex, and I know many more people now. But all I can think of is how they dislike me. (I know that this is exactly what I said in my last post, but it's even worse now.)

And another thing that is gradually getting worse... I am realising how I won't really be able to cope with my A-Levels. I can't concentrate, even when my head is clear. Sometimes that comes as a feeling too - a realisation that I really must do something and work. It's not happened yet, and I'm wasting my time here rather than finishing my music homework.

Or maybe one huge thing will hit me, like a steamroller. I will suddenly realise where I'm going wrong, and realise why I don't feel confident about myself. I will suddenly realise that anything is possible, that physics is all an illusion, and I will soar into the skies, forget about everything, never ever have to work, and I will wake from a dream within a dream. This makes so much sense to me, it's unbelievable.

19 September 2007

I don't belong in this horse race

While my head is full of things that are going to stay inside, I also have a lot of stuff I need to say...

I've started a new school, and it's a fantastic place. Everyone I've spoken to has been really friendly, and my subjects are mostly going to be alright, as long as I put in the extra work that truly is needed at this level of education. And I'm already beginning to feel at home there, so why do I still have an empty feeling in my gut during every bus journey over there?

The problem is my self-conciousness. I'm becoming increasingly aware of, and dismayed about, my own image, the way I appear to people. I wish I was charismatic, polite, and confident, but I really don't have anything to be confident about. Sure, I've made friends at this school, but that's because everybody is so damn nice to each other. I genuinely like all the people I've spoken to, I like them a lot. But what I really hate is me. I hate my nervous laugh. I hate the way I have to make boring small talk to fill in the gaps in conversations. I hate the way I simplistically start sentences the same way to illustrate a point. And I hate my stupid face.

But the thing is that I really have done well in my first week-and-a-bit at this school. I've not messed up majorly, and done something really idiotic, and this surprises me because I thoroughly expected to mess up. I guess I still think that I am about to really offend someone, probably through a total accident. It's inevitable with me. But as I said, I'm more concerned that I'm so awkward. I feel like a fifth wheel - I don't really contribute anything to any conversation. If I don't have an interest in the subject, I don't say anything. I don't even know if I should any more. And I still never expect people to take a liking to me in any way. So I'm very quiet, especially today, although this really depends on my mood. My thoughts have been self-depreciative to the point where I was close to tears a few times.

I'm still not fully sorted out. I wish I knew everyone here. I wish I was taller. I wish I had a sense of fashion. I wish I had confidence, and a quick mind that would enable me to be more witty. I wish I had a perfect speaking voice. I wish I had clear skin, and great hair, and bigger eyes... I don't know. Basically, I don't like who I am.

The ironic thing about this post is that I would never talk about this sort of thing in person. In reality, I come across really boring, but the thing is that I'm really shy. I like shy people. I like confident people as well, if their personality justifies their confidence. What I really like is when I get the opportunity to break away from the small talk and actually discuss stuff like this. And so far, I've not really. Or maybe I have, and I'm just too shy... Either way, this is why this post has ended up here, wallowing in its own helplessness. I've not gone emo, honest.