22 February 2006

An interview with blogger.com

On my Blogger profile you can put a random question on, and your answer. I asked for 15 questions and have answered them all here.

1) What would you wear for camouflage if you were hiding in a gingerbread house?

I would wear brown paint with lumpy bits in it. All the brown paint would be on tablecloths.

What reason do you have to believe the earth is flat?

Well, all the evidence I do have has not quite been proven to me as I haven't seen it. (Damn, this answer lacked humour...)

Your bow is not broken but you've run out of arrows. How can you fake being a bard?

Well assuming a bard is a ranger or something, I would simply tell everyone that I'd lost my arrows, cause I'm awesome like that.

Your pajamas have duckies on them. Why did you switch from choo-choos?

Duckies <3>.< 5)
You've got to make contact with the alien leader. How will you tell when the conversation is finished?

When he has shot the dove that the hippies released, then impaled me on a laser partway, then shot the laser, then led his other aliens on a killing spree, then taken some artifacts back to the flying saucers.

6) The squish of mud between your toes; how would you live your life as a frog?

Um... no really I don't understand.

If you were a pirate, how would you avoid laughing when saying "poop deck"?
I would rename the Poop Deck as the Fart Deck.

8) Why does the taste of pennies remind you of losing a tooth?

Because every time I lost my teeth it was because a masked demon pinned my head against the tarmac and smashed pennies into my gums.

You're trapped in a well with a goat and a slinky. Describe how you will escape.

Using magic...
Failing that, shove the slinky down the goat's throat and make it run up the wallfacing back down to the well. I would grab the slinky and yank. The goat would fall back down as I would spring up and out of the well. Then I would say "Thankyou Jesus!"

You can punch a hole in an apple using a straw. How do you think that makes your milkshake feel?

I would think it would be reassured that it hasn't got a freaking straw in it.

You're going to the moon! What did you forget to pack?


Your pajamas have duckies on them. Why did you switch from choo-choos?

We have a limited amount of questions don't we Google...

You're going to the moon! What did you forget to pack?

Google is screwing this all up now :<

14) This is a colon : and this is a semi-colon ; - what's a semi-truck?

Who writes these? Hmm... I'd say it is the front part of the truck that moves it as normal, but the back flicks up like a big... um... comma.

If you were a wrestler, what would be your finishing move?

Gtg, bye

20 February 2006


Well... I have been meaning to publish this onto the internet for ages. Well, at least a month.

Our school has introduced a new, unfair award scheme. It is appalling. How it goes is: Instead of buying the regular mix of vinegar-soaked chips, dry, plastic-y pizza, and cold beans for dinner, we are encouraged to indulge in something that is not composed of the 3 elements of school dinners: salt, fat and sugar. Which is alright to be honest. This sort of thing is pretty much inevitable. However they have taken it too far. They have resorted to bribery. So now, instead of buying a cheese sandwich, pay 20p extra for a cheese and SALAD sandwich, pick out the dry bits of cucumber and the dregs of slimy, butter-soaked lettuce, and you have got yourself 10 whole swapits. Or so. In any case, that should be enough to get you started. So in our assembly informing us of this great oppurtunity, we hear the clich├ęd phrase, "Log on to dubbleyudubbleyudotswapitsdotcom!!", actually an erroneous URL, however the millions of fliers drifting over the floors at school confirmed the correct site. And now it seems that the craze is up. A month later we hear that "The snackbar was almost sold out of healthy food". I could argue that this wouldn't take very long, and I may be right, but of course I haven't succumbed to partaking in the scam. The food may be good but it is tainted, TAINTED I SAY! Either way, I wouldn't have a clue.

Anyway, how I see it, it is a giant scam. Suspicious thing is that the healthy food costs more. It's a fact that chips are cheaper to produce but they are still quite probably overpriced too. And healthy food costs about twice as much than to make dinner in the morning. So you don't have to bother packing a lunch, granted, but instead have the joy of sitting amongst the idiots at our school rather than in a corner in your form room! And guess what, you get Swapits! I can't believe people are stupid enough to fall for it. But hey maybe I can. Knowing the average mindspan of the apes at our school, they'll have the simple notion of "Free Stuff", and they're off. So there we go. I bet most of them get the swapits and realise that the site is about as accessible as a wheelchair shop situated atop a clock tower.

Another thing... the website really is laughable. Or cryable, as the saying goes, I can't decide which. As soon as the page loads you are bombarded with 12 disgusting .gifs, 1 or 2 of which are adverts for things like Lego and "Are you being bullied? The fact that you are buying things off here suggests that you are." Then whisked off to one of the categories; ripping off eBay was unavoidable, and I hate eBay as well. Just take a look round. Again, you don't know whether to laugh or cry.

For example here is an offering for some headings typed out on a Piczo website.
"with this you will get a website with music videos games picz n everything you want for you to custimise ,choose the name ,and style buy this swap and i will send you a password and username for it and also the instructions and site name email me @ bongo-da-bad@hotmail.co.uk or go on my website at www.happy-valentine.piczo.com" (It might be a better layout than the Swapits homepage.)
Really. It is scary. The other day I found a pair of tweezers. You can get lyrics to songs, printed out on A4. It is AWFUL. Here is another typical advert. Most of the CDs are much worse but I was checking if there were any good ones. Turns out there are, if you would trust this advert, and if you love mainstream indie (Yes, like me, but not that much. 2 bands maybe. There's no Pavement on Swapits.) "THIS IS A GREAT NEVER USED BEFORE FRANZ FERDINAND ALBUM INCLUDING SONGS LIKE .....TAKE ME OUT!!!AND THIS FIRE!!!!!!!!!!! SEARCH JJ55 AND SEE MY GREAT DEAL FOR VANS SWEATBANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

So I have to resist my urge to rip the print screens of the homepage off the wall as I walk past the canteens. They honestly just go onto the website and Click File -> print. Then stick the chopped-off pages around school. It encourages gambling, and personally I don't care about that but if you told our headteacher that the school encouraged gambling you can imagine the results. I honestly can't think of a reason why it wouldn't count as a form of gambling.

And there are more reasons. Since this is my second blog I might have to urge you to click comment now. Please? OK. Tell me if you have any more reasons why swapits should be condemned to hell. Oh, and thanks for reading all of that, it took me a good hour to write, and I appreciate it.


And yes, another reason I'm annoyed is because of course, I bring half-decent food every day. Where is my reward? But no I don't give the school money, so no I am living with no pleasure in my life. It is not complete without 50 Cent lyrics printed in Times New Roman size 12 onto A4. Had to add that, sorry. ;)

19 February 2006

Hello Google Blogger.


Welcome to my Blog. I hope that it gets lots of hits and people can see what I have to say. You'll find out about me as I write more.

I aim to update this twice weekly. Maybe it will only be a funny picture or something. Or an outburst of joy. But that's good enough damnit!

Have fun. Add this to your bookmarks, I expect you to return.